Today I Learnt About Validation
Lately, I have been fighting with my partner. A series of incidents happened, which most of them were directly caused by myself. I hurt my partner as a result and my subsequent attempt of “resolving” the issue did not make the situation better. I tried to logically explains my point of view, list down more facts, draw some resemblance with past situations, etc. Needless to say, it didn’t help either.
Now, you would be in either one of these two parties, the one that reacts “I know right, that happened to me too! I’m so lost”. or the other one that reacts “Of course that wouldn’t help duhh”. And both of your opinions could be true at the same time, as different person has different understanding from one and another. Both parties could be feeling underappreciated at the same time - even though both are trying to convey exactly that - that they care and they appreciate their partner.
But how could that be? If both parties are clearly trying their best for their partner, won’t the other party notice it and appreciate it? Well no, as different people also communicate differently. Some expects a straightforward way of communication, other expects a rather roundabout way, and many more other variations. And that’s sort of what happened in our fights.
It seems that you care more about proving your point than how I feel
That’s what my partner said to me. And it hurts. I denied that and told my partner that I care. Which ironically, proves my partner’s point from her point of view. We took some time to calm down and end the call. I realised that my partner has a point. While I thought I was doing the best I could do to prove that I care for her, I denied my partner’s opinion and feeling in the process. Looking back, that has happened too many times across too long of a timeframe. At that point, I realised that even though I was doing the things I did with the best of intention - they don’t come across as pleasant at all. Hence, both of us become frustrated and feeling underappreciated.
Knowing that I’m close to uncover what’s wrong and how to improve it, I researched a bit on the internet. A book stood out in my recommendation, titled “I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships” by Michael S. Sorensen. It’s a very short book, just around 130 pages in my Kindle so I gave it a shot. It’s worth noting that I’m a quite skeptical person in regards to self-improvements/psychology books.
The examples that the book has gave me a sense of dejavu. I did this before, I said that, I heard that. In a sense, the book just says that you should:
- Listen. Clarify. Get a better understanding first and foremost.
- Get the cue when your partner wants validation. (which is almost always)
- Validate your partners feeling, emphatise if you could, don’t fake it if you couldn’t.
- Get “permisssion” whether you could say your opinion. This does not need to be an explicit permission, but could be a general cue.
- Say your point
- Go back to step 1
You see, what I did before is just jump straight to say my point. It denies the other person of validation, which is important in order to convey that - hey, I hear you and I am on your team. How can I help you? Even if you don’t believe that, there’s always merit to listen more and gather more information before making your judgement. And if you could make yourself and your partner feel more connected in the process by giving them the validation they need, why not?
So far, it works quite well. I noticed just how much less tension there is when I started by hearing her and validating her feelings. It is ok and natural for my partner to feel that way - it is impossible to stay happy all the time. The book also make an important point that validating your partner feelings does not necessarily means that you must agree with them. Validation is just saying that, I know how you feel, and I think that’s ok. You can still disagree on the core issue as they don’t need to be mutually exclusive.
Validation also does not mean being disingenuous with your partner. If you can’t relate, don’t fake it. If you don’t understand, don’t say that you do. Don’t fake your opinion either, if you disagree, then don’t act like you agree. There is no going back once you are labeled as a fake. In my case, this is pretty easy to avoid as I really care about my partner. It’s just that the way I convey my love and care are jumbled and frankly unpleasant. With the right order, it seems that I can get more points across, which is wonderful.
If you are reading this until this point, I’d say try to give this validation thing a try. You are probably as dense as I am and I’d say, the more information you have, the better.